9:57 a.m. - 2007-10-12
And now a moment for Deep Thoughts
I was an extremely difficult child. Over inquisitive, territorial, bossy, and just plain mean most of the time. When I was hit about four or five, my mother had finally had enough and took me to the doctor to see what the hell was wrong with her child. The doctor found nothing physically wrong, so she referred Mom to a child psychiatrist. (psychologist? I forget the difference) After a week or so of talking and i.q. testing, the shrink told Mom what she already knew. "That kid is just too smart for her own good". But since it could be 'harmful to my growth and development', my i.q. test results were sealed until I was older. I can't remember how old I was when Momma gave me that magic number, but knowing my shrink tested, Mom approved, government assigned number has changed my way of thinking about myself.
Just in case you were curious, it was 153.
In the midst of all that teenage insecurity and angst, I was Guaranteed a positive attribute. It wasn't something I just made up, because damnit, a member of the medical profession had deemed me smart so It. Was. True. (aren't teenagers a total pain in the ass?)
I still consider myself smarter than most people and can be somewhat snobby about it. I'll be the first person to admit that I randomly discriminate against stupid people, depending upon mood or whim. I can just as easily bend over backward to be kind and help someone who needs it. Working as an insurance pimp, I have also helped my customers with their taxes, their divorces, writing letters to the BBB, appeals etc...
Several years or so, I decided it was intensely funny for me to 'use the vernacular'-so to speak. I started listening to pop music, and studying about different types of face masks. I focused my brain power on finding the most perfect pair of shoes to go with that new sweater. I also snuck in a little manipulation as well. (i'm not completely people stupid)
Well, my point to this ramble (it was NOT to brag about my brain!!) is to say that I've become used to using my mind for evil, rather than good. While embracing shallowness and vanity, I put my thoughts on hold. I, while trying to just make a joke, turned myself into someone who refused to think too much, because it hurt to much to get passionate about something. I'm ashamed to admit that in my newfound world of Lip gloss vs. The Capital of Lithuania, I'm sorry to say I can name more gloss.
Does that make me pathetic, or what?
I guess the catalyst to this bout of introspection was the quitting smoking thing. (surprise, surprise!) I find myself questioning who I really want to be, and getting my head around losing that mental craving for a cigarette. The Chantix has helped with the physical aspects, but can 'Cool Ang' stop thinking that a cigarette and a strong Cosmo prevents me from being that inner, geeky smart kid with glasses?
We'll see.
