8:06 a.m. - 2006-09-14
hate Me
have you seen the video for that Blue October song "Hate Me"? The lead singer, Justin, is carrying around an answering machine, singing about what a crappy son he was. He wants his mother to hate him so that he can never, ever hurt her again. Flashback scenes as him as a little boy, being scolded by Mommy. Later, you see prom date with the uber-goth outfits. And Mom's always in the scene, bathing him, talking to him, taking photos. Then at the end, he goes and lays that fucking answering machine on a new grave.
Goddamnit! I hate that fucking video. I sat there on the stupid couch watching that shit and cried into my french vanilla flavored coffee.
I wish I had that answering machine with her voice on it. I'd keep it forever. Just so I could hear it one more time.
I wish I could hate her too.
Bitch!
So I went and bought the stupid cd yesterday so I could wallow in my grief. STUPID bitch!
Most days are so good. Then everyone once in a while something like this will pop up and it's like I have to reboot. I need to immerse myself in the fact that she's dead and revel in those bleak emotions. Then I can rise back out of it all and face the world again. How long do you think she needs to be dead before I can stop doing this? I'm thinking 50 years or so might do it.
Fucking stupid song, fucking stupid video, and fucking stupid melodrama.
I DO wish I could hate her. Then maybe, just maybe, I could enjoy Mother's Day again. Or Christmas. Or Thanksgiving.
I'm not saying I don't enjoy holidays. I do, for the most part. Who doesn't like turkey? Or presents? I just wish that I could reach some point that a holiday would pass without me feeling that little bit of emptiness throughout the day.
I also wish I could find the joy that I had 10 years ago before this ever happened. Please.
