9:16 a.m. - 2003-12-18
Have you ever wondered why it takes so long to get over the death of someone you love? Some people go their whole lives without ever finalizing the grieving process. No closure-ever. Then there comes a time when you wonder WHO you are grieving for? The person who died, or yourself? Admittedly, I grieve for me. My mother died almost 7 years ago and I still cry in the night long after my husband and daughter are sleeping. Finally last night (this morning) I had my big ephiphany where I realized that I'm not crying for my mom. I'm crying for me. When you lose someone that close to you, someone who loves you so fucking unconditionally it changes you. Intrinsically, but forever. I cry for the person I was when she was still in my life. I cry for that freedom to be as beautiful, happy, melancholy, fanciful, crazy, disgusting, bitchy as I want to be and KNOW that I'm not judged by her. Just loved. I know that you get that to some degree with a child, or a spouse, but NOTHING ever duplicates a mother's love. Remember that any of you who ever read this. If your mother is still living, no matter what your relationship is like, hug her and thank her for that. God how you'll miss it when it's gone.
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